Spiritual Amnesia

There's a feeling of not-quite-connectedness.  Like, I'm not sure of what to do with myself or what it is I should be doing.  Housework, household planning, yard work, vehicle maintenance, my nails, etc.  Everything is noticeably un-done, yet the call to do anything of consequence remains a whisper somewhere in the back of my mind, like an irritating fly.

Perhaps this is typical of stay at home moms, but I wouldn't know what's typical.  I've failed to construct a support system of other moms, because they all seem so busy.  Doing stuff like accomplishing goals, running marathons, creating masterpieces to sell on etsy.com to supplement the family income, furthering their education, decorating their homes according to the season in ways that would make Martha Stuart want to embezzle from them.  I don't know how they do it.

I have a daily and weekly schedule which I followed faithfully for about 2 weeks.  This schedule would have me on track to greater biblical wisdom, a perpetually clean home, laundry done and put away, fabulous healthy home-cooked meals, a 7 minute mile, and meticulously shiny children.

I love the book of Romans, especially 7:15 "I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." and 18b "For I have the desire to do what is good, but cannot carry it out."  But thank you God, for 7:24 "What a wretched (wo)man I am!  Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

I have to say, I've had some amazing conversations with my youngest child lately.  It's like I see him clearly now, in ways I never experienced with the other two.  While they're at school, Aiden and I hang out in the mornings before afternoon kindergarten.  And then we take a leisurely walk to school, taking notice of bugs and leaves and clouds and burps.

We're in a blessed place right now.  I see that God has given me the gift of a simple life; but it just has to be appreciated.  If I can give up my personal plans, interest and ambitions, and allow God to take me into His purpose, then I can have absolute faith in Him and His goodness. (paraphrased from today's devotional, My Utmost for His Highest).

I forget, sometimes, the highs and lows of this life.  They always follow after one another.