Pride and Rejection

I have to start here and work my way backwards.  I don't like to post anything until I've worked it out, but I think, I have to just jump in sometimes.  Otherwise, the epiphany's are lost in translation and the real pearls are sometimes reasoned away and forgotten.  I had the blessed opportunity to meet with a treasured friend tonight for some much needed girl time.  Oh sister!  God has brought us together!!

Upfront, I have a nightly addiction to wine.  ALOT of it.  So, laying that out, I hate it; I'm on a quest to defeat it and learn from God why it has such a hold on me.  Yesterday, (or maybe today) I was pondering pride and rejection.  I just finished reading, for the second time, The Girl in the Orange Dress by Margot Starbuck.  It was about a woman who had been adopted by loving, well-to-do parents, who later divorced, mom remarried, he was an alcohol who dearly loved her, they divorced and yada-yada-yada.  The first time I read it, I was kind of annoyed because, hey, people loved her, she wanted for nothing, and she was basically blessed in ways that I was not.  The second time I read it, I got it.  Her feelings of rejection caused all kinds of reactions; similar to reactions I had growing up and still do.

That being said, it got me thinking about rejection.  I was given a clear visual, I'm sure it was from the Holy Spirit, about the circular path of rejection and pride.  I can see in my actions as a young person how feelings of rejection led me to protect my self with pride.  Which in turned caused me to reject.  Which, in turn, came back to pride, to gird me against guilt.  Which, of course, would lead to rejection because it meant that I had hurt someone in my pride.  Talk about vicious circles!!

My husband recently requested that I get my hair done.  I had been going to my bible study leader who deals in all-natural products producing fabulous results.  But, because it's fabulous, it's also expensive.   So I tried to save money and do it my self using the most natural product on the grocery store shelf.  My hair went from Black Cherry to some weird shade of egg-plant with grey roots growing in.  So, I choked back my PRIDE and thought to myself, "fine, it's your money" and scheduled the appointment, knowing full well that I would have to hide my current status of digging around in the dirt at the bottom of my valley.  (I had been delivered from and then found my way back to drinking in a matter of months.  And I loathed myself.)  So I drove there thinking that I would just have to put on a happy face and pretend that I was alright.  Except that when she asked me if I was all right, before I could fake it, I said "No".  And then proceeded to tell her that I had been drinking AGAIN and just wanted to die.  I told her that, during the period that I had stopped, I noticed that I was extremely prideful and arrogant in my thoughts.  She said, pointedly I might add, "Girl, you're problem isn't the drinking; it's the pride and arrogance!"  She explained that we use alcohol, or food, or relationships, or whatever, to stuff and cover what the real issues are.  I had already heard that, through Beth Moore.

But it was fresh in my ears; the condemnation I felt and feel in relation to drinking has been temporarily lifted.  I know that there are a whole slew of negative sins and emotions that I need to come to terms with.

Sorry if this seems fragmented; I often am.  But after spending time with my Sister (I love you!), I am so excited to begin once again.  In the morning, where my Father who loves me, will meet me and love on me.

Blessings to anyone who wants them,
He loves you and calls you Precious.